Wednesday, August 13, 2008
President Bush admiring a US volleyball player, making a mental note of how to duplicate the position for future summits with Russian tyrant Vladimir Putin. "Heavy on the KY, Vlad!"
An incensed President for life George W. "Dada" Bush made strong comments Tuesday after leaving Beijing for a hasty gathering in Washington condemn Russia's invasion of neighboring Georgia. "First the dog fighting scandal with Michael Vick, now this!" an emotional W, still wearing his "USA #1" t shirt and finishing off a random bowl of stir fried pork rinds stated. "How much can these poor people take?"
Bush calmed down considerably upon learning that it was the former USSR satellite nation, and not the state just north of Florida, that had been invaded. Undeterred by evidence to the contrary, Blackwater operatives immediately began interrogating and waterboarding all registered Democrats in Atlanta, Macon, and Augusta, and set up a barracks on the Augusta National golf course. Still, stern words for sometime ally and fellow sociopath and backstabber Vlad ("The Impaler") Putin were offered.
"I have looked into his eyes and seen his soul. And I told him that I strenuously object to Russia's hard line stand against dissent from this sovereign nation. They must accept the outcome of free elections. Unless we don't, and then all bets are off."
Bush and invertebrate Secretary of State Condeleezza Rice were soon even more incensed after learning that the occupying Russian forces had also stolen American Humvees that had been positioned in Georgia as part of a recent US exercise in that beleaguered state. "That's absolutely the last straw," Bush said. "We hadn't even finished paying for those hummers yet. They were loaded- DVD players and everything! And Condi negotiated such a great financing deal on them from Cadillac, too! And my Cabinet is taking this seriously: we're all holding our breath and having a tantrum until Russia leaves. Cheney's even going on a hunger strike! And Attorney General Mukasey has declared martial law in Athens and Savannah, just in case."
A frustrated President Bush retreated immediately to his ranch in Crawford to undergo sedation and spend the remainder of his term doing what he does best- "clearing brush." More brush is being imported for Bush to clear from all over the country, including driftwood salvaged from New Orleans following its complete abandonment by FEMA and other federal agencies after Hurricane Katrina.
In a related story, the city of New Orleans is now negotiating directly with Putin to be occupied to restore order and enhance their quality of life. Governor Bobby Jindall was quoted as saying: "Why not- we can't get anyone here to do it." Putin could not be reached for comment, but is allegedly interested in oil reserves along the Gulf Coast not currently being utilized by American companies, too busy counting their record profits to actually produce more oil, which could jeopardize the ridiculous price gouging that has occurred in the last 6 years of the Bush Cheney maladministration.