Love Me Don't

The Happy Couple, About Ready to Pop The Champagne
DATELINE: LONDON-
Hear ye, hear ye!
The ruling is in, in the tabloid-pandering Case No: FD06D03721, Royal Courts of Justice Strand, London WC2A 2LL, Sir James Paul McCartney, Petitioner/Respondent and Heather Anne Mills-McCartney, Respondent/Petitioner. And although still subject to appeal, 1600's esteemed legal affairs advisors have predicted that Heather Mills, the ex-model and now ex-wife of ex-Beatle Paul McCartney, will gladly take her approximately $48.6 million settlement and run- or, perhaps get a ticket to ride with it, after speculation that the greedy shrew would take another bite at the "apple" (pun intended) to get the $125 million she originally demanded.

The award was approximately $400,000 less than the amount offered in settlement approximately a year ago, which was turned down flat at the time by Ms. Mills-McCartney. However, when the decision came down, she held a press conference to announce she was "so glad it's over" and that the ruling "secure(d) my and my daughter's future." After all, she gave the guy nearly the best 48 months of her life! That works out to a little over a million bucks a month, probably a tad more than she ever made limping down the runway, ya think? My love don't give me presents, indeed!

Judge Hugh Bennett heard the sordid case, which alleged various mega-ugly acts of cruelty, including stabbing and choking incidents at the hands of a livid Sir Paul, alcoholism, drug abuse, infidelity, and other pretty much "irreconcilable differences." He characterized the Plaintiff's testimony as "inconsistent and inaccurate," stating that she had been "less than candid," while calling her request for relief "unreasonable, indeed exorbitant." In a final slap, he indicated that she was "less than impressive" as a witness, summarizing her "ideas about her marriage" as "make-belief." Sounds like polite English legalese for "lying, gold-digging vulture."

Perhaps worst of all, the couple's only child, Beatrice, is entitled to a mere £35,000 (about $70,000 a year) of that still-humungous chunk of change, for her continued support and education. Presumably Sir Paul, who has described Beatrice as the only good thing to come of this ill-advised union, will continue to contribute voluntarily to her upbringing. And while Ms. Mills-McCartney was also awarded primary custody of Beatrice for now, we are reminded that the status of her continued residence is always subject to modification. And it will doubtless be reviewed again when she becomes old enough for the court to recognize her own preferences in the matter.

In related news, word on the street has it that this seeming end to hostilities may finally prompt Sir Paul to make his portion of the Beatles' catalogue, worth approximately $400 million, available for online services such as i-Tunes, now that the income from such a sale won't be considered part of his estate for this settlement. And even if he doesn't follow through on that, it's unlikely the "Macca" will wind up "darning his socks in the night when there's nobody there," as the settlement represented only about 3% of his total assets, a figure English counsel has suggested was "remarkably low."

Well, I guess you have to consider the merits and the parties involved. Sounds like that probably accounts for it. Hell, if ya ask me they were overly generous.

Paul- two important words for the future: "pre-nup." And next time around, don't take any wooden legs! D'Oh!