Friday, July 27, 2007

Britney, Paris, Lindsay: Is There a Pattern Here?

Lohan: "Toxicology reports will prove I'm completely innocent. It was just a tip for the valet. Now will you please just let me resume ruining my once-promising career?"

So, stop me if you've heard this one: Britney Spears, Paris Hilton and Lindsay Lohan drive into a bar...

Hold up. It's easy to make light of this. But really, this is a serious matter.

We must join together to save our vanishing bimbos!

One of America's greatest resources, a seemingly endless supply of dumb, marginally- talented bimbos (many of whom are only blondes because our abundant springs of naturally- occurring peroxide), seem to be disappearing like spotted owls, dodos, and good five cent cigars, into rehabilitation centers, correctional facilities, and off-Broadway dinner theater. Who will be left to joke about? How will Springer keep his show on? And will the "Girls Gone Wild" franchise fold?
We can't sit idly by and let this happen. Help us protect these young, fragile, flatlining, egomaniacal, spoiled rotten multi-millionairesses from themselves. Send your generous donations today to:

Tonya Harding and Pamela Anderson's Etiquette and Finishing School for Young Ladies
c/o Selma's Trailer Park
P.O. Box #673
Wheeling, West Virginia 26004

Ladies, call ahead for reservations- the double wides fill up mighty early, especially after Bike Week at Daytona. And tell 'em 1600 sent ya!


1600 said... further illustrate my point, yesterday Nicole Richie was sentenced to almost 4 FULL DAYS and a $2400 fine for her second Driving Under the Influence conviction. She'll also be on three years probation, and is required to attend drug and alcohol counseling. She may even have her license suspended!
Why are they picking on these poor girls?
Is America jealous? Does the justice system single them out because they're rich and beautiful?
I'm going on a hunger strike until she's released!
The horror, the horror. When will it all end?

Gregory said...

I feel sorry for Lindsay Lohan. She was a nice girl when I met her. She obviously has some problems- take a look at her parents. But I don't think she's devoid of talent-at least as an actress. The other two hookers should do the world a favor and OD now. Or get sterilized.

1600 said...

And then the patriarch of the Hilton family, not so proud Grandpa Barron Hilton, stated last week that Paris will NOT be receiving her $ 2.4 billion inheritance because she's been such an immense embarrassment to her family! What other point could she serve but as showing the elite of our country to be laughable imbeciles? Or maybe to show that money does not equate with happiness? Is there no appreciation? The indignity of it all!

1600 said...

To add insult to injury, Nicole Richie spent a whopping 82 minutes in jail last week after her second DUI conviction. Hasn't she suffered enough? Looking forward to that next season of the
Simple(ton) Life with Nicole and her pal Paris- maybe giving tips from a prison laundry on getting out ring around the collar?