Lohan: "Toxicology reports will prove I'm completely innocent. It was just a tip for the valet. Now will you please just let me resume ruining my once-promising career?"
So, stop me if you've heard this one: Britney Spears, Paris Hilton and Lindsay Lohan drive into a bar...
Hold up. It's easy to make light of this. But really, this is a serious matter.
We must join together to save our vanishing bimbos!
One of America's greatest resources, a seemingly endless supply of dumb, marginally- talented bimbos (many of whom are only blondes because our abundant springs of naturally- occurring peroxide), seem to be disappearing like spotted owls, dodos, and good five cent cigars, into rehabilitation centers, correctional facilities, and off-Broadway dinner theater. Who will be left to joke about? How will Springer keep his show on? And will the "Girls Gone Wild" franchise fold?
We can't sit idly by and let this happen. Help us protect these young, fragile, flatlining, egomaniacal, spoiled rotten multi-millionairesses from themselves. Send your generous donations today to:
Tonya Harding and Pamela Anderson's Etiquette and Finishing School for Young Ladies
c/o Selma's Trailer Park
P.O. Box #673
Wheeling, West Virginia 26004
Ladies, call ahead for reservations- the double wides fill up mighty early, especially after Bike Week at Daytona. And tell 'em 1600 sent ya!
