Monday, August 27, 2007

Bedtime for Gonzo?

Soon to be Former Attorney General Alberto Gonzales, justifying the decisions he can't remember making.

WASHINGTON, DC: In a shocking and unexpected turn of events, Attorney General Alberto Gonzales announced his resignation today. All over America, the news was greeted with horror and dismay, mostly by illegal immigrants fearing that he might wind up taking one of their under the table, sub-minimum wage jobs. Look at the corner he's painted himself into! Disgraced from public office. No opportunity to get any private clients after his miserable performance as White House Counsel and AG. And he can't even write his memoirs now, because if he actually does remember anything, he's subject to indictment for perjury, obstruction of justice, negligent entrustment, improper dismissal, contempt of Congress, and about ten other civil and criminal charges I can think of, just off the top of my head.

But the White House, standing by their man, said the media has "dragged his reputation through the mud" and "politicized" this entire investigation of the 7, no it was 8- actually I think 9 US Attorneys fired for "poor performance" who happened to have very successful records including investigations against convicted jailbirds like Bob Ney (R-OH, not the Science Guy) who copped to pocketing bribes from lobbyist and frequent White House visitor Jack Abramoff, and "Duke" Cunningham (R-CA), also disgraced for taking kickbacks from real estate developers. Yeah, they prosecuted the wrong crooks! Why not just make up some charges about Whitewater, or something? Maybe plant stories and have people start theorizing that Vince Foster didn't commit suicide? You don't need any evidence- just say it often enough, like the Swift Boat guys who really weren't even THERE! That's how we get the job done- character assassination, innuendo, then convenient memory lapses and denial when you're caught.

Add to that today's revelations about outspoken (and outed!) anti-gay rights Senator Larry Craig (R-ID) pleading guilty to charges of soliciting lewd acts from an undercover police officer in a public bathroom, and you have another fiasco to remind all your friends about the party of family values, chosen by God to lead our country into the most brutal, senseless, hopeless shitstorm it has ever faced, with no possible solution but the complete reversal of every decision made by Bush and his Texas mafia of thieves, crooks, and traitors since Day One.

Anyway, Gonzo's role as Inquisitor General insures him an eternity of infamy, as he challenged election laws, courageously equivocated on torture, fought to suspend habeas corpus, pushed for secret tribunals to sentence prisoners held in Guantanamo Bay, characterized the Geneva Convention as "quaint and antiquated," and authorized warrantless spying as he worked tirelessly with the White House to undermine the Constitution and politicize the Department of Justice. Yes indeed, you've earned your rest, little partner- we hope the Boss joins you out in the pasture (or better yet, in an adjoining cell!) way sooner than he plans on it. In the meantime, now that you've taken the fall like so many of his cronies before you, can you clean out that stable in Crawford for him? That'd be greeeeaaaat.

I never thought I'd get to write this story. And I couldn't be happier that I was wrong! I only wish he'd been dragged out, kicking and screaming, with a number on his orange jumpsuit. Well, gotta go see what Jon Stewart and Colbert have to say about today's news. I'm icing down the Cristal to wash down my popcorn. And the White House menu again includes crow, sour grapes, and a frothy cup of bile.


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