Friday, August 24, 2007

"Reunion" Boasts 33% More Van Halen



Not in picture: Hagar, Anthony- the real brains of the outfit.

Last week, Eddie Van Halen shlocked the world as he announced a quasi-reunion tour with original vocalist and frontman, David Lee "Diamond Dave" Roth. And the entire world yawned in rapt(?) anticipation.
Apparently, being drug and alcohol free for perhaps the first time in his adult life hasn't brought Eddie any closer to lucidity. Dave's motives are far more transparent: MONEY. He hasn't had a hit single since he covered California Girls. He was a wash out as a DJ. And even Sammy won't tour with him anymore. Or talk to Eddie for that matter.
However, unlike the short lived reunion in '96 that yielded two instantly forgettable songs for a Best of VH collection, and an induction into the Rock N' Roll Hall of Fame in March notable only for the fact that Roth, Alex and Eddie were nowhere to be found, apparently the long-standing grudges and years of acrimonious bickering in the trade press have been laid to rest for a variety of reasons, such as, uh...going out on a limb here...MONEY?- there are some differences this time out, suggesting that perhaps the boys have learned from their previous mistakes:

1. It's unlikely there will be any more headlines over vandalism to hotel rooms. Everybody knows about the M&M clause in their contract by now. Besides, now they're too old to get out of the hotels fast enough to avoid arrest.
2. Valerie Bertenelli won't be there for Dave to insult with nasty comments and/or fast moving projectiles. (And if she does show up, it will probably be Eddie going postal, not Dave.)
3. Dave will not subject the audience to the sight of his sagging ass in chaps, ever again. We hope!
4. And Michael Anthony has, inexplicably, been replaced on bass by Eddie's son (and drummer Alex's nephew) Wolfgang. This one could work against them, though. What happens to Van Halen when he dumps these tired old hacks for a real band, or starts one of his own? He could call it: VH2. Oh waitaminute, that's the station that plays all his Dad's old videos. Never mind.

Keep in mind that this is the same Dave who said back in '96 that the possibility of him sharing the stage with Eddie ever again was about as likely as Jerry Springer getting a guest shot on Knotts' Landing. And Eddie had retorted that the Diamond One had LSD- "lead singer's disease." Not exactly a friendly exchange. But absence makes the heart grow fonder, and the hatchet is buried, for now at least, at the prospect of a 50 city world tour and a whole lot of......MONEY. Inspiration enough, it seems, to settle their differences, anyway.

Wolfie could have some real chops, though, and we wish him the best. However, 1600 is still taking bets that this snoozefest may actually reach Washington about the same time as Guns 'N Roses releases Chinese Democracy, but it's tentatively scheduled for November 1 at the Verizon Center. Tickets go on sale soon, and will probably be more than the GNP of many third world countries.

I tried to warn you...

3 comments:

adam said...

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1600 said...

Ummmmm, yeaaaaaah.

Don't know how I feel about that, Adam.

And not sure what this has to do with the Van Halen announcement.

But, by all means, if you can send us enough of that easy money you're pulling down, we'll ghost whatever e-zine, blog, or pamphlet someone is willing to sponsor. If you've ever watched our show, you know that we would stoop to just about anything for a good laugh!

J-man said...

Incorrect sir!

Diamond Dave had another hit called "Yankee Rose" from Ear 'Em and Smile, with the irrepressible Steve Vai spankin' the plank. Unlike you, who appear to be spankin' yer monkey (ooh - was that a bit of "foreshadowing" perhaps?)

Inflammatory comments such as yours have a way of biting you in the arse while you're biting the fanbelt. Who knows, you may end up having to cover the damn concert from the skybox for the "1600" show that immediately follows on the Friday after.

Or have I said too much yet again?