Colbert Announces Candidacy, As Major Parties Tremble

Well, it had to happen.

Finally, a legitimate candidate had to get in the race for the White House in 2008. And unlike the line of also-rans that have pandered for popular votes on the Daily Show with Jon Stewart, like John McCain, Joe Biden, John McCain, Barack Obama, John McCain, Bill Bradley, John McCain, Wesley Clark, and John McCain, this candidate already has the voters abuzz with unbridled expectations! After publishing a runaway best seller earlier this month, and a revealing interview last week on Larry King, Stephen Colbert has finally bowed to Nation's will and agreed to run for the White House in 2008! As you have remarked so many times, Mr. Colbert: "the marketplace has spoken."

Yet, some people are skeptical as to whether Colbert is serious, comparing him to the late Pat Paulsen in his many unsuccessful bids for the Presidency. And to date, Colbert has pledged to campaign only in his home state of South Carolina, where as a "favorite son," he predicted he would receive substantial support only to flounder and flail in all other primaries, and disappear off the national radar completely. He also said he would apply for the ballot as both a Republican and a Democrat, so he could "lose twice."

A good plan, Stephen- if we were to believe that carefully honed exterior and famous false bravado as a psuedo-pundit were actually true. But you gave us a glimpse of the real guy underneath the carefully crafted facade when interviewed on King, the man whose mind works constantly. That's what this country needs now, more than anything else- someone that thinks, and not just for himself. Someone that sees the inherent insanity of a rapidly collapsing system, uncaring and heedless, unresponsive and irresponsible to the people whom our elected leadership are supposed to represent. Someone that gives a rat's ass. Somebody smart. At least one other candidate, Mike Huckabee, takes you seriously enough to have offered you the vice presidency if you would join his ticket. I know you said you'd have to make the same offer to him, but I really think Stewart would be a better choice, and he already knows how to handle tools like Chris Matthews and Tucker Carlson when he delivers your policies to the Fourth Estate, with a smackdown and a smile!

So stay the course, Colbert. The people- your people, will respond. Don't limit your potential because you don't have an agenda, or ambitions (pretensions?) to greatness. Sure, there's a pay cut, but think of the service you'll provide your country once a rational human being can unite us. You're probably the only hope we'll have for that for a very long time. You'll probably even be able to keep the show, but would likely have to cut back to once a week because of your additional responsibilities. But we eagerly anticipate a broadcast from the Oval Office, where a Saturday evening Fireside Chat would instill pride and strengthen the morale of your countrymen everywhere. And to paraphrase Pat Paulsen- "You've gotta sleep somewhere." Why not make it mortgage free for 4 (or better yet, 8) years?

And if you're reading this and reside in South Carolina, sign the damn petition already, and get him on the ballot there so he doesn't have to spend $2,500.00. Or don't you support fiscal conservatism? Vote early and often, may the funniest candidate win!